It’s often interesting to me how the written word, and often other benign media, can have such an impact on ones mood, in this case bringing me to sadness. It’s not only the sadness of loss, which I certainly feel, but the sadness of loves felt and missed.
The book I’m reading, fiction in this case, is Stephen King’s “Duma Key” about a construction magnate who after becoming seriously injured moves to Duma Key in Florida and takes up painting. He produces paintings with an ethereal quality that in the end reflect past events on the Key. The most significant of those is the drownings of twin girls many years in the past. He sees later how that occurrence in the past has the potential to impact his 2 daughters lives in the present. Anyway he often refers to his one daughter in particular and it’s that reference that often brings me to the brink of tears.
It draws the love from me for my daughter Ay, but not drawing it out in the sense that it was not there, certainly not, but taking that overwhelming love and drawing it out to where it’s hard to contain. In the story the man’s daughter expresses her love freely and openly and that is something I yearn for, and miss in my relationship. Where I know Ay loves me she seems to have that trait exhibited by many on my side of the family that makes it difficult for them to express love in the conventional sense. It hurts and brings me sadness to not know her love in that way.
G has often asked me if our loss of Shawn has caused me unresolved emotions like grief, or anger I guess, emotions I can’t or won’t allow or admit to. I have always answered no, but now I wonder if this loss of demonstrated love from Ay is accentuated by Shawns death, as if somehow now I need more reassurance or confirmation. Things that make you go “hmmmm”.