Brenda just emailed me with an update about Dad, the ct scan they did shows he’s likely had a few strokes and he’s showing early signs of dementia. He’s still in the hosp and the Dr will keep him until Monday.
I’m trying to decide how I feel, partly numb like I often feel, somewhat aloof and uncaring, and then a wave will overtake me and I’ll feel hypersad. How’s that for a word? I often felt like that after Shawn died, not the uncaring part but somewhat disconnected from emotion. Then something would set me off and I’d get hyperemotional, going from a state where I felt ok and controlled to a place where my emotions spilled out and I became almost unconsolable with grief.
When I look back I feel a bit embarrassed actually, but I know better, I can rationalize it and know there’s nothing I should be in any way embarrassed or ashamed about. What does concern me is how I often feel, where it’s almost like I have no feelings about something that’s happened, at least for the first while. I feel kind of like a cold hearted son-of-a-bitch. Is that my upbringing? Dare I blame it on my parents?