When was the last time you spent a quiet moment just doing nothing – just sitting and looking at the sea, or watching the wind blowing the tree limbs, or waves rippling on a pond, a flickering candle or children playing in the park?
This is my most recent mindset, rather my thought that quiet (or lack of) is one of my issues. I know, it’s hard to nail down to just one, issue I mean.
We are inundated with children lately and the sounds of them. That may sound like a criticism or a complaint regarding children, in particular ‘our’ children but it’s not. The ‘our’ in that sentence refers to children in our family, be it grandchildren or nieces/nephews. And to clarify the term ‘inundated’ in no way should be construed as negative, but it is nonetheless fairly accurate.
Now there’s two paragraphs that took up far too much time in my morning to create. Suffice to say I’m beginning to wonder if some of my more recent dip into depression is a result of a lack of quiet. When I examine the question more fully I can see that my/our days are filled with children. With that comes the need for attention and frequent interactions. Seldom does much time go by where I have that quiet I crave, maybe need.
Even now, at this moment, Ivy has arrived and is entertaining herself on an iPad. I’m not writing here, now, to comment on the pros and cons of electronics. That can be covered another day. I only mention it to set the scene. The house is relatively quiet, save for the sounds of the some childrens video on the iPad in the other room and the tapping of the keys here as I write. Still I am pulled away mentally. My attention wavers as I try to focus on writing my post. The duties of the day call and some part of me feels guilty for leaving her to her own devices (no pun intended), to be babysat by some electronics. It’s also the distraction of the sounds from that device. In short it’s a lack of quiet.
As a result I moved from the TV area to our living room. The mess and/or distractions from that area are overshadowed by the (relative) peace.
The thought of quiet, or lack of, being a cause or contributor to my condition just popped into my head. Don’t know why, just did. I guess the ‘why’ of my depression is always in the back of my mind. I’m generally an inquisitive kinda guy. Lately that characteristic and others have been subdued. Or is it repressed? Overwhelmed? Certainly diminished!
Mason has just arrived so the challenges to find peace have increased. I will try to complete this thought soon, later today if possible. Let’s see where that plan leads.
Apparently I’ve gained some time, maybe only minutes so I’ll continue……..
I saw the Dr. a couple days ago, the same day I gave blood. That’s another story in itself. I saw my Dr. to look for answers to my persistent unhappiness. Interestingly that was one question he asked me, “are you happy?” My answer was of course “No”.
I haven’t really been happy for a long time and if pressed I’m not sure I could answer when or if I was ever really, truly happy. I suppose I could ask “what is happiness” and I’d be inundated with varying responses, some of which I’d likely agree and some not. Happiness falls on a scale I suspect and while I have had happy moments, and many of them I think, I’d question whether I am a happy person.
My moments come when with those I love and who love me. I feel more love when with my grand-daughter Ivy for example. She seems to love me unconditionally, and while we have certainly had our moments we come through them and are maybe stronger for it. Maybe I need note that she is presently only 3, turning 4 in a month.
I’m happy when with my grandson, and those moments typically come when we are alone. Once it’s more than just us the wheels ultimately leave the track.
I feel happy when with my daughter, although our relationship is not what I’d call usual we have a connection and bond one can’t dispute. Perhaps much of what we have is unspoken.
And I feel happy with my wife, in those moments where we can share in openness and some honesty. Those times seem far too infrequent however, thus my happiness is fleeting in those times.
But I digress. the point was quiet and it’s impact on my depression. Guess I’ll have to try again.