I’m lost again, and I’m tired of saying it. Seems to be my lot in life, certainly of late anyway. Something is missing, a piece of me, what could it be? It feels like it could be the ME in me. My soul or it’s cousin.
The symptoms are there. I have low energy, very little desire or motivation to do anything. Those things I did enjoy or love I have little desire to take on. I don’t know if I’ve taken a photo since the New Year, not many if I’ve taken any. I don’t particularly feel like writing. I know I’m here posting now but it’s a struggle, words don’t come to me the same way any longer. I do some genealogy stuff but even that has not been catching my interest in the same way. Colouring has fallen into my distant memory
One of the most hurtful things is that I often feel numb when it comes to relationships. For the most part I just don’t care. I can’t seem to muster up the energy to devote to maintaining the relationships I’ve got, certainly supporting others in my life is more challenging. I just want to go ‘NAH’ and move to a mountaintop.
I know I’ve said it before, and done little to resolve it, but I think the weather has a bigger impact than I may have realized. All I need to is dig out my SADs light and I’d likely see a resolution if that’s it. Just have to do it. That and call the Doctor.
My thoughts also run to the number of things or tasks I feel connected to. In addition to home jobs, the honey-do list a prime example, I also have my own little projects both around the house and not. There’s too many to list here really, and I’m sure the list would continue to grow as I wrote them down, but as an example I have multiple webpages and blogs that require maintenance and new material. I have multiple journals in addition to the blogs, and journals for both g-kids. There are solar projects I’d like to tackle, jobs to finish around the house like painting, even routing maintenance. I just feel overwhelmed and as a result I do none of it.
Now it’s tax time too of course and I’m always behind in my banking. Then there’s my finances of course, and the shitty place I’ve put myself with more money going out than coming in. Conservatively I could be out of money in 5 years. Then watch the real depression set in.
I feel like I’ve babbled enough, and there’s no sense I’m resolving anything. I still feel empty, perhaps in addition to my soul vacating the premises it’s also been my ‘heart’.
Wish me luck.