Lost, In Life

I’m at a loss, again. Lost in life, no words come nor the energy to pull them forth. I feel depressed!

Whether, or not, it’s the Weather

I think it’s the weather. I hope it’s the weather anyway. SADS is still with me perhaps and it may be time to pull out ‘the light’. The light is one of those SADS lights, a high intensity portable lamp that produces a change within the brain chemistry. That definition is extremely simplistic but just Google “SADS” and you’ll get more info than you can digest. Wikipedia says this about the disease.

Now SADS may or may not be the cause, or a contributor, to my malaise but the symptoms fit and in this particular case it’s more the way I feel than anything specific. I’m still on the anti-depressants and even though it’s a small dose of Citalopram it seems to hold the demons at bay when I get more (read that as enough) sun. Now, when the weather (generally) is overcast and cloudy I feel the negative effects of low light.

The photo in the post header of the sun and a beautiful winter path was taken just before I began writing this. Today has been the exception of late, the sun peeked out and has stayed out much of the morning. It’s 2 pm now and it is still shining brightly, a much welcomed reprieve from the sombre weather we’ve seen recently. One might ask why I’m indoors writing this instead of being outside but I was out most of the morning shovelling snow and I collected even more rays on my walk here. Here being Brandt’s.

I thought maybe the exposure to the sun may provide me with the impetus to write, or be more inspiring with my writing. I can often put pen to paper, real or figuratively, but frequently it seems as if the results of my efforts are bland and without any interest. It used to be that I would go back in my writings, whether one of the blogs or on paper, and actually enjoy and appreciate my posts. Now I’m not sure that would be the case. I do feel lost, some days without hope and with a strong question of why I’m even here.

So what else is different?

I guess I may be different. Certainly my/our situation is different. We live in a different place, physically and emotionally. Our days, definitely my days, are much different. Much of our time now is taken by daycare or emotional support to our daughter. My walks are less frequent as is exercise in general, writing has become a secondary task, we are both retired now as opposed to just me. That was the time when my writing was more prolific and fulfilling.

I was going to say I just had more time to think but I don’t really think that’s it. I have enough thinking time now, perhaps I think too much or overthink my lot in life.

What I do think is that happiness so often eludes me, and it’s not always but at times when I do think. Maybe if I was more busy and thought less I’d be more happy. What a concept.

In the meantime I’ll remain lost and continue to muddle about hoping to find my way out of whatever hole I’ve found myself in. In the end I may just be a whiner, good chance of that, and I just don’t realize or appreciate the life I’ve got. And maybe that’s it, it may be about appreciation. Don’t lament what I don’t have, instead celebrate what I do. Who’s to say??

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