Black Friday

While I have nothing for sale it seemed as if the title “Black Friday” was appropriate. Today is Friday and my mood is black.

It began a couple days ago and I’d hoped to write before then however life, as it often does, got in the way. This afternoon I made the time. I came to Brandt’s Pub with pen (laptop) in hand and I will now see what damage I can do. The challenge will now become can I say what I wanted to say, and say it comprehensively, concisely, before the beer kicks in.

I’m not sure what put me in the aforementioned mood but I suspect it’s hormonal. Could be weather related too, or just that I am who I am and my shortcomings, however normal perhaps, need to be recognized and accepted. As Oscar Wilde (allegedly) said in the photo above,

Be yourself; everyone else is already taken
– Oscar Wilde

I’m not convinced this is truly his quote, the sources are not clear on that, but it works for this example. I am what I am, I can’t be someone else.

Another quote attributed to Oscar is this:

Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.

This quote may be more appropriate but I digress, perhaps due to fear and maybe it’s my procrastination kicking in. Whatever the reason I must forge ahead and spill, my guts that is. I will don the mask Oscar mentions and tell you ‘my’ truth.

A Couple Things

One black thought that came to my mind near the beginning of this dark adventure was my disconnect from the love and caring that one should feel toward close family, in this case parents. Why is it I seem to be lacking this fundamental emotion of life? I love my parents, I’m sure I do, but the fact that I feel I must add a disclaimer points to some malfunction on my part. I feel damaged, missing the necessary human components that make one, well, ‘human’. At times I feel particularly inhuman, due to the lack of those emotions I often feel.

My Father passed away a couple years ago, I can’t even recall the date other than it was in December. I was working out of town and my wife was taking care of my responsibilities as a son. A ‘caring’ son. My Dad was in the hospital, suffering after a fall and subsequent surgery. When I asked the nurse if I should leave and drive the 6 hours to see him she replied “if it was my Father I would come”. Obviously I was not her as I didn’t go. I can’t tell you what I chose to do instead.

The point is that I never really felt the bond with my Dad. Sure I helped him in his later years. I think I could be considered a kind and supportive son when he needed that support, but it was more from duty and obligation than the love and caring a ‘good’ son would give. That connection just wasn’t there for me. Perhaps I got that from him. I wanted to have the connection, just never did. My leaving him on his deathbed, me not there, is something that has weighed heavily on me ever since. How could I be so uncaring? I will have that regret forever.

My Mom will lament that my Father’s lack of communication and emotional bonding was part of what caused their split. I have no doubt there was a connection.

My feelings toward my Mom are similar. She is still living but is looking forward to moving beyond this life. She appears to find no solace in this life. While I dread the day she passes I still find myself somewhat cold and emotionless about it. How bent is that? How can one human be so cold and callous. This is my Mother I’m talking about. She bore me, and raised me essentially alone. What an ASSHOLE I am!!

I’ve heard of, and sometimes relate to, those people described as without emotion. A quick Google search for “lacking emotion and connection” brings up a number of pages, most dealing with Emotional Detachment Disorder”. Articles also describe it as being one symptom of depression. That I have. Whether that is it or not I can’t say, I don’t believe so. I believe it’s a bit more complicated than that. Dr. Google does not always help us out.

The bottom line is that while I feel a disconnection with my parents and sibling, even my spouse at times, I do feel a very strong bond and love for my children and Grandkids. I don’t understand, I want to but I seem unable. This is something I never got into with Elly (my counselor) and wish I had. I wish I had the time, and the guts, to bring up this topic and find some answers. I wish Elly was here for me now.

While I will likely always lament the emotions, or lack thereof, that I’ve discussed here I will stop now. The beer has taken it’s toll on both my focus and my bladder. I have been able to articulate some of my thoughts and that will have to suffice for now. Perhaps with time and focus I can retrieve more thoughts on this topic and write them again. In the meantime perhaps I’ll find some answers, within or without.

I feel so Black, and it’s Friday.

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