I think I’m emotionally in a dark place lately, but at times it seems well lit, make sense?
It’s just that I feel emotionally alone, and that’s ok, that seems to be the dark place, and while I may not prefer it I do accept it in some fashion. It’s the fact that I seem to understand and accept the situation that makes it feel illuminated or lit.
And I don’t think it’s the ‘depression’, I believe it’s something more fundamental, something basic to my make-up or mental health. I’m beginning to think it’s just the way I am. Some of my first thoughts are that it’s Aspergers syndrome or some similar condition or disorder. Some variation of Autism. You can read about some of the characteristics here, on Wikipedia. Isn’t this curious, my self-diagnosis?
What precipitated this latest ah ha moment was a tv show called Dexter. The show is about a man who witnessed the brutal slaying of his mother when he was a young child and the horrific situation made him emotionally disconnected as an adult. Now I’ve never had those experiences but it’s the ongoing patter of his ‘inside voice’ that caused me to think.
We are somewhat alike. I have some of those same attributes, difficulty relating to others on an emotional level, emotionally disconnected, unable (or unwilling) to bond on a deeper emotional level. Almost uncaring. And yet I do feel deep sadness at times, and elated happiness. This is where I’d differ from my friend Dexter, that is where I can see how we are not so much alike.
Still, it makes me think, why am I the way I am? Perhaps I need a stronger light to overpower the darkness.