Limbo Land, My Country of Personal Discontent

I feel like I’m in limbo land, and that’s not the country of origin for the dance either. It’s the land of my personal discontent.

I am wavering, wondering again/still about the prudence of reducing the dosage of my meds. My wife suggested I not do so now for a variety of reasons, and of course I would know better so why listen to her. I’m afraid now she may have been right, and yes, afraid would be an accurate assessment. Don’t you dare tell her I said so.

It’s been about 3 week since I made that questionable move. If my recollectin’ is accurate it was July 19. To be honest I couldn’t remember so I had to check earlier posts and in “Our Time Here is Done” I said that would be the day. A date that may reign in infamy.

I feel bitchy, irritable and short tempered, and have little ambition. Bare in mind the temperatures have been high lately, in the neighborhood of 35 – 40 degrees C, and that’s an unwelcome neighborhood. For those not using the Celsius scale it is a touch over 100 degrees F. Hot, damn hot for here.

Now I would expect some emotional response to dealing with life in these temperatures. I mean it’s not so hot that people wither and die like plants without water, at least not most healthy people. We will wilt and often show little signs of life however. Hot spells zap the life out of even the most robust individuals.

On a personal note I do feel somewhat dead, lacking in energy and life, and I don’t have the spunk to take on even the smallest tasks. Is it depression or the unwavering heat?

Perhaps the most concerning symptom is that I’m also beginning to experience a resurgence of that anger and bitterness in the morning, when I first begin to stir and my mind starts it’s day churning over life events and planning future moves. My crankiness begins in earnest, right off the get go. It was perhaps the MOST concerning symptom exhibited prior to my being diagnosed as depressed. Concerning to me at least.

I didn’t experience many of the more typical, documented, symptoms of depression. Those such as sleeplessness (although there was some of that), thoughts of suicide, eating issues, complete lack of energy, thoughts of self loathing, drinking etc.. Ok, I take it back, I did (and sometimes do) have some of these issues but not in a way I believe to be uncommon. Am I deluding myself? Please let me know, give me feedback……..

Whatever the determination I believe I must stay the course and maintain my current dosage of medication. If I relent now I’ll never know for sure. Once this hot spell passes we will see. If I feel ok again then apparently it was just the heat. If my mood remains shitty then there is some other cause. I sooo want it to be the heat…..please!