Tis Bittersweet, This First day of Retirement

Hmmm, what to write.  Whether ’tis nobler…..wait, that line’s been taken.

I’ve been pondering much of my day what to post or if to post, this day being the first day of the rest of my life so to speak.  It’s the first official day of my retirement, early retirement if it matters.  I tried to come up with something profound to write, something with some teeth in it, but alas it was not to be.  So I just wrote this.

I didn’t think much of it until late morning when the event dawned on me and I pondered what it meant, if anything.  It is just another day after all, but it’s a special day for me.  Perhaps “special” is not the word, maybe noteworthy, or significant.  Anyone else’s retirement day may not be of note for them but it strikes a chord with me.

Photo 2012-07-01 11 30 02 AMI had to go to Nelson this morning to pick up a bike rack I found it on Freecycle.  I thought a short drive might be nice, perhaps give me time to think and reconcile my thoughts.  It did a bit but not as much as I’d hoped.

It did give me a chance to take a bunch of photos along the way though, and while the shots didn’t really pertain to my mindset the opportunity to focus on something other than myself was nice.  It offered me a reprieve from my angst and the beauty was peaceful and calming.  It reminded me how much I enjoyed taking photos.

The whole issue around me retiring and leaving my career makes me happy and sad at the same time.  I’m glad, and yet wistful and somewhat melancholy, I just want to get drunk and go to bed, to waken in the morning with the day behind me and able to move on past the sadness, into the happiness it should reflect.  I know that’s not a reasonable solution but it is how I feel.

I don’t think it’s depression talking but it could be.  I aborted my plan to cut back on my meds so that’s not it.  My wife had some very good points when she said this point in time is going to be a tumultuous time for me, this retirement thing and on the eave of going camping.  She suggested that perhaps before I cut back I find a period of time with fewer life changes.  She’s pretty smart that girl.

Photo 2012-07-01 11 30 02 AMRight now I feel a bit like this shot of the river, boiling along and churning between the banks on it’s way to the precipice.  Ultimately it will fall over the edge and release it’s energy,and it will become calm and placid.  Along it’s path to the edge it will pass and form eddys, points in it’s life where some of the flow will be channeled aside to form calm sections, apart from the tumultuous path of it’s parent yet still a part of the whole.  At this point in time my emotions are like this river, up is down and down is up, churning, looking for an eddy.

I will survive.  This is what life is after all, a series of ups and downs to be mastered and dealt with.  Thousands have done it before me and thousands will do it after.  Tis bittersweet this retirement.

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