I have been quite faithful in maintaining my journal, or morning pages, and most days quite look forward to it. Today was no exception, however the day started off at a pace faster than I first appreciated and I missed that first crucial step, relax and write.
Perhaps there are no “good excuses” but the tasks that took me off my schedule were dealing with some of Dad’s taxes, taking the car in for service, and then once I returned home just generally procrastinating and fussing about. I think my biggest mistake was having the 3 or more cups of coffee during all of the above. Caffeine and relaxing are not known to be synonymous, at least not in my book. How someone can go to a coffee shop, drink coffee and write is beyond me. Don’t get me wrong, you have all my admiration if you are able but the ability escapes me. If I stay away from the 2nd or 3rd cup of coffee perhaps, otherwise forget it.
What works better for me is where I am now, sitting on my deck listening to the subtle tune of wind chimes and gurgling water. The weather has turned for the better with the sun coming out and a mild breeze at my back. My yard is coming to life with buds on the Magnolia tree and the shrubbery greening up. Every so often the fragrance of spring wafts through the air and I feel so happy. Life is good, this is what retirement means to me.
I came out to the deck after the above described procrastinating and finally sat down to complete my morning pages, in the afternoon. My morning journal has been something quite helpful to me, beginning initially as a means to diarize my “feelin’s and emotions” and then later progressing to what it has now become, more a hardcover chat with myself. It’s where I can record anything and everything, no topics left unturned, but primarily just a method to let some of my thoughts out. It’s amazing how the process of writing down something, anything, can establish a flow of thought, of ideas, and feelings. It was these thoughts and feelings that I want to capture here, so here I am. I don’t want to neglect my paper pages but as I started to chat with myself in them I realized that here was where I wanted to be, not only on my deck but writing here on this blog. Why? Can’t say exactly, other than my hope is to inspire some thought within someone else, perhaps inspire them to step onto their deck or into their yard, and let the beauty of life surround them.
As you can likely discern I am in a relative good place right now, such has not always been the case. If you’ve read any of the other drivel on this site you can attest to that. It has been a journey, a trip through time, place, and mood. Much of it good, some of it not so. I don’t believe it’s over and should you choose to follow you will some day see the great reveal. You will know…..who I am. Not only the technical details of who I am, like name, address, and social insurance number, but who I am inside. The complex thing they call Dwayne. I often waver in my desire to come out of the blog closet, to post the address to this site on Facebook, or to Twitter my thoughts and provide a link back to this blog. Even my closest family is not aware (that I know) of this secret location of my darkest thoughts. If they do they have certainly not shared that knowledge with me. And that’s fine. When the time is right I will do that, it’s just not right yet.
In the meantime it’s just you and I. I’m not sure who “you” is but even if I’m writing to myself I’m opening up a channel in my existence to a higher power. Some say “God” and some say just creativity. Whatever it is I feel more alive, and somehow more at peace.
As always any comments are most welcome,