I just “re” learned a word, “ennui”, meaning (from the Free Dictionary) “a listlessness and dissatisfaction, resulting from lack of interest; boredom”. That pretty much sums up my state of affairs, I’m ennuied.
Nothing much has changed here since my last post (yesterday), there has been no discussion nor questions by my Manager as to what I’m doing or when I’m doing it. I’m operating in a vacuum on that side. I told myself that I would try to maintain an ongoing diary of my last days so this is my purpose in posting this drivel, Some day I’ll be able to look back and gain a understanding of my past life. I don’t know if this can help anyone else but who knows.
I have actually considered making another appointment with my counselor, I haven’t seen her for quite a while and there have been a few changes in my life, most notably a grandson and imminent retirement. Neither of these were at hand when we last met and I think she’d be interested. I’ve also changed the dosage on my meds (self adjusted as it were) and that may be of interest to her as well. She was the one who suggested I write, not a blog mind you but in a paper journal. So here I am. I’m also thinking retirement may help me keep my mood on track and my hope is to get off drugs all together. The whole mood thing has me a bit baffled and is it just my sunny (or otherwise) disposition or some other chemi/psycho issue. Mostly I just think I’m weird but the verdict could be out on that.
My writing was initially a means to an end, a way to track my progress and if I developed any readership then my postings may mean something to them. We all want to help others, right? So I’ve blogged, sometimes faithfully and sometimes periodically, and found I’ve enjoyed it. It’s helped me avoid some boredom, I’m less indifferent, it’s given me a bit of a purpose different than family and outside of household repairs. Soon I can focus solely on all these things. I’ll be de-Ennuied.