Here I sit again, biding my time in the bar. I’m starting to feel like a regular in these parts. I often wonder if I have I have a problem but I suspect if I have enough inquisitiveness about it then likely I don’t. And that being said I’m really not that worried.
My days have been going pretty well lately with my moods improving and that general sense of malaise diminishing. I really did think there at one one point, and still question, whether there is such an occurrence as getting a bad batch of meds. Somehow I doubt it, and I understand that an occasional regression is normal, but I felt truly shitty there for a while. Not physically but emotionally, and the depressed feeling was, well, depressing. A disturbing state of affairs.
I feel better now, and some days are better than others. Retirement is around the corner and depending on circumstances I could leave by the end of April. Boy, that’s coming fast. With that move come a whole host of other emotions, many I’ve yet to catalogue and most I’d prefer not to have. I’m scared, terrified in some respects, and I’ve gotten this (sometimes) overwhelming sense of dread, like I’m about to die. Scares the shit outta me at times and fills me with trepidation. On the other hand I have a sense of relief, a feeling of freedom about to be borne, a new chapter in my life. I’m anxious for it to begin, nervous for it to start. Plain and simple I’m all mixed up. I just don’t know.
