I Feel Broken

 

Somehow I’ve almost lost my train of thought, something shiny caught my eye. Almost is the key word I guess, and “Broken” would be right up there.

I was lamenting my lack of feelings for members of my family, in particular my parents. It’s not just that I don’t like them for some reason, a past sin or whatever, but more that I don’t feel that love that I think I should. And all this said I fully appreciate what a blow this would be to my Mom who is still living. I am her life, and I don’t say that with some misguided sense of “I’m all that”. I think she’d say the same should you ask, but please don’t.

In that sense I truly feel ‘Broken’. How is it that a child can’t Love their parents? Or, maybe I do and I just don’t recognize the emotion. Again, am I Broken?

I love my wife. Perhaps not in the head over heels, soul mate kinda shit, but we have grown together and the Love I have for her can’t be forgotten or minimized.

I certainly love my children. After losing our Son I have another perspective to look at it from. I feel pain when my daughter does, I feel loss from our disconnect from Tracy. I love the g-kids, and while Madden tries his best to take that away from me I endeavour to regain and recognize it.

In the bigger picture I just feel a disconnect from the wholesome life we are taught to strive for, I’m on the outside looking in. I’m a ghost, a spirit following this life but never fully in it. Alone, perhaps the best word is Alone,….and Broken.

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