In my last post “Well Lit, Dark Place” I talked about being in a dark place, about being emotionally alone or socially disconnected. Perhaps my comments and the title were a bit misleading as the intent of the comment was much more figurative than actual. I’m not really in such as dark place as was interpreted, more a place that is dark in the sense that I wish I were not there, alone and feeling I’m without connection to others.
I refered to Dexter, the main character of television series about a disturbed man, his emotional pain being the result of witnessing his mother butchered (literally). A quote from Wikipedia describes it like this:
“Dexter believes that he has no emotions, and he has to work non-stop to appear normal and blend in with the other people around him”.
I must make it clear though, it’s only some of these similarities with Dexter I can relate to, I (in no possible way) feel like I need to go out and murder or hurt someone, including myself. I just feel disconnected
I can play the part though, I can act happy when not, or put on a friendly face when I don’t feel it, and that is what concerns me. People have no more of an idea of who I really am than I do. I often feel numb, unable to connect with those near me, scared to reveal who I really am or what I truly feel. I’m in disguise. It’s like I have a secret identity, like a super hero, except I’m not ‘super’.
I sometimes lack true emotion yet at other times I have more emotion, more happiness or sadness than I can bear. Am I blocking the real, continous feeling to prevent myself from being hurt? Where does this come from? Why? Where am I going?
Some time back I wrote a post about adapting, this is something my counselor Gloria informed me of. Essentially adapting is putting on a front, or becoming like a chameleon and changing your stripes to fit the environment. Adapting to the circumstances and putting on a front whether you truly feel it or not. The trouble is that Adapting can be exhausting. Perhaps this is partially why I often prefer being alone, no adapting required.
I’m think I’m hiding, hiding in plain site, unable to reach out. That’s why I feel like I’m in the dark, but recognizing and accepting it provides illumination.