It has been a hard couple of weeks, probably more like 6 or so when I think about it. I’ve been sliding back into that dark place, that psychological arena I was in closer to the beginning of the year, the place where there is little optimism, where dark moods prevail and it seems like life itself is being sucked out of you. I’ll call it a relapse into depression, where for me at least it makes itself known in loss of sleep and an undercurrent of anger. I had, or have, no energy or enthusiasm towards those things I know I enjoy, hate my job more than normal, and frequently want to cry. ‘Tis a sad state of affairs and I fear I’m falling into the pit of despair.
I’ve mentioned this mood, the early symptoms and my fears, to Gloria. As my counselor, or therapist, she has been charged with the task of guiding me through this maze of despondent life, bringing me toward the light and helping me understand the tools I require to remain successful in my travel toward wellness. But psychological tools are not enough, and I felt perhaps some change in my medication was in order as well. I wanted to increase my meds immediately but thought my Dr. should be onboard. She agreed, and a visit with my Doctor was scheduled.
In the interim there were things I thought I should try, simple things that may have a positive effect and at the very least could not hurt. Knowing I am sensitive to the changes in light, and the winter season gives me the “blues” I broke out my SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) light and began sitting in front of it as I ate my breakfast before work. I hadn’t really been noticing any of the typical symptoms I normally experienced with this condition, such as being excessively tired after dinner, nor the sweet tooth that drove me to eat large bowls of ice cream or other sugary treats, but what the hey, it can only help right? But to no avail, no real improvement and I was deparately waiting for my visit to my GP.
The big day finally arrived, I explained my feelings and fears to the Dr. and he agreed to support me by increasing the dosage of my meds. He renewed my prescription and I now take 45 mg of Mirtazapine, up from the 30 mg I have been taking since the beginning.
It’s been a couple days now, I think I’m feeling better although the true test will be my sleep patterns, if I sleep continuously through the night or wake up 2 or 3 times as has been the case lately. I will try to remain optimistic, and the fact I even think of optimism is in itself a good sign. Wish me luck, I am hopeful if for no other reason that I’ve felt like writing. I am looking to blogging as a tool, another in my arsenal that can help me out of this hole, a ladder to help me climb out of this pit of despair.